The Less Serious Adventures of the Enterprise Incarnate
by ZenaraTheDragon
Summary: The crack side of the human Enterprise scenario... Kirk and the Enterprise bring out the worst in each other. Rated T mostly because of swearing and innuendo. Scotty/Enterprise.
1. The Chair- Part 1

**A/N: So these will be short (sorry!) and may not make much sense at all. :P Just warning ya! I suppose some later chapters should be rated high T for Harkness-level innuendo. There will be multiple plot lines that continue as I write them, all mixed together. So good luck.**

The Chair, Part I

* * *

Everyone knew it was Kirk's chair. He loved that chair. Noone dared sit in it if they weren't currently in charge; despite that being protocol, it was followed strictly purely because it was Kirk's chair. (Legend among the lower decks said he had a replica in his quarters.)

So when the Enterprise walked barefoot onto the Bridge and sat in the chair, everyone on duty held their breath and waited for the Captain to return.

Five minutes later, Kirk walked onto the bridge and stopped. A familiar silver head was showing over the back of the command chair. _His_ Chair. Nobody but her would dare to occupy his rightful place as Captain. A childish urge struck him, and for once his common sense was in agreement.

Calmly, Kirk walked up behind the Enterprise, placed a hand on her back, and shoved.

As the Enterprise recovered after almost crashing into Sulu, Kirk retook the Chair, hazel eyes showing nothing but slight bemusement.

The Enterprise glared at him, then stalked off. "I believe I'm needed in Engineering," she said.

* * *

"... And then he shoved me off!" The Enterprise gesticulated wildly as she leaned against the wall. Up in the Jeffries tube next to her, Scotty produced a muffled noise of indeterminate intent.

"And just bypass that whole circuitboard, it's shot and not really necessary," she added, referring to the reason Scotty was in the tube.

The engineer produced another muffled sound.

"Take that circuit block out of your mouth. I wouldv'e held it for you, you know."

An orange circuit block tumbled to the floor. The Enterprise picked it up and examined it.

"Yeah, it's shot... Ick. It's _slimy_." The Enterprise made a face. "Anyways. I intend to retake the Chair."

"Why?" Scotty asked.

"He pushed me! Anything else and I wouldv'e let it go. But... This. Means. WAR."


	2. Messageboard- Part 1

So yeah. Reposting this inside the Less Serious Adventures because it's a really good thing that I wrote... Anyways, it should be pretty obvious who's who, but just so you know 1701Trekkin is the Enterprise herself and DominaeLinguaris is Uhura (for those who can't read Latin, I think it means, roughly, 'master of languages' :P but I don't trust google translate)

* * *

**ThatSeemsLogical**: Doctor, please change my username back to what I chose.

**Hypo_Man**: lol. No. this fits so much better!

**KirkIsAwesome**: True. So true.

**Hypo_Man**: And it wasnt me.

**1701Trekkin**: Heehee.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Enterprise...

**1701Trekkin**: What?

**ThatSeemsLogical**: I do not appreciate this username.

**1701Trekkin**: Really, though, 'VulcanScientist'? These are supposed to be nicknames.

**ThatSeemsLogical**: Perhaps you should consult the Doctor about some of his 'nicknames' for me.

**Hypo_Man**: Yeah but 'DamnGreenbloodedHobgoblin' is too long.

**1701Trekkin**: lol

**KirkIsAwesome**: lol

(**FencingMaster5** has joined the conversation.)

**FencingMaster5**: What'd I miss?

**ThatSeemsLogical**: They were expounding on my poor choice of username and their subsequent decision to change it.

**FencingMaster5**: lol

**FencingMaster5**: well then

**FencingMaster5**: hey Enterprise, do I still have to lay in courses?

**1701Trekkin**: You still have a job. And I've been introduced to 'laziness' so yes.

**FencingMaster5**: a lazy starship?

**1701Trekkin**: after 20 yeas of near uninterrupted flying around I'm entitled to a vacation.

**FencingMaster5**: True.

(**RussiaFTW** has joined the conversation. **ThatSeemsLogical** has left the conversation.)

**RussiaFTW**: hi guys

**1701Trekkin**: sup

**RussiaFTW**: dont go in the mess hall

**KirkIsAwesome**: why?

**RussiaFTW:** ...

**1701Trekkin**: Chekov...

**1701Trekkin**: What did you do?!

**RussiaFTW**: Nothing!

(**ImmortalRed** has joined the conversation.)

**RussiaFTW**: oh shi-

**ImmortalRed**: how in the name of Robert the Bruce are replicators turned into food cannons?!

**1701Trekkin**: lol no idea

(**RussiaFTW** has left the conversation.)

**1701Trekkin**: You scared him away! :(

**ImmortalRed**: Of couse i did. I'm the one who has to fix whatever he broke.

**1701Trekkin**: Oh dont be like that. You know i'll help you.

**KirkIsAwesome**: ... I'm trying to see how that would *not* turn into-

**1701Trekkin**: CAPTAIN.

**KirkIsAwesome**: ...nevermind. How did you cut me off?

**1701Trekkin**: Magic.

**FencingMaster5**: Magic?

**1701Trekkin**: Unles you have abetter explanation, that's my story and I'm stickin to it.

**Hypo_Man**: I'm sure Scotty can give us a good reason. Scotty?

**ImmortalRed**: well, the padds are connected to the Enterprise's wireless computers...

**1701Trekkin**: which i have complete control over.

**KirkIsAwesome**: so you hacked my padd.

**1701Trekkin**: nope. Magic.

**FencingMaster5**: lol

**FencingMaster5**: can I tell chekov scotty wont kill him if he comes back online?

**ImmortalRed**: You can tell him that.

**1701Trekkin**: Scotty! Be nice.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Where is he hiding, anyways?

**1701Trekkin**: I'll never tell ;P

(DominaeLinguaris has joined the conversation. ZenaraTheDragon has given up on bolding every name. Maybe she'll bold the rest later. )

DominaeLinguaris: Enterprise, what are they plotting?

KirkIsAwesome: why do you ask that every time?

DominaeLinguaris: because you generally are plotting. And sometimes planning. But you're men, cant expect much in the way of a plan.

FencingMaster5: ouch

1701Trekkin: Uhura, I'm glad I'm on your side.

DominaeLinguaris: actually, today I want to know because Chekov is trying to hide in my quarters. Any explanations?

KirkIsAwesome: nope

FencingMaster5: not a clue

ImmortalRed: erm. no?

Hypo_Man: wasnt physicals, for once

1701Trekkin: lol, how are you keeping him out?

DominaeLinguaris: I'm trained in hand to hand combat.

DominaeLinguaris: Scotty... What do you know about this?

ImmortalRed: er

ImmortalRed: something about the mess hall, and someone messed with the replicators?

ImmortalRed: i bet it was chekov, so he's a fugitive from my (righteous!) wrath now

1701Trekkin: despite my offer to help him fix whatever was broken!

KirkIsAwesome: and we all know where that ends up...

1701Trekkn: you're one to talk. When did you lose count of the number of species?!

DominaeLinguaris: buuuurn

1701Trekkin: pwned!

(KirkIsAwesome has left the conversation.)

1701Trekkin: in SHAME!

ImmortalRed: he had a point.

1701Trekkin: so? Wait, so is Chekov still the object of your wrath or not? Because of him breaking the replicators I'm offering to help fix them so...

ImmortalRed: i don't even know the extent of the damage yet.

1701Trekkin: ...

1701Trekkin: it's not good

(KirkIsAwesome has joined the conversation.)

KirkIsAwesome: holy everything... Have you guys seen the mess hall?!

1701Trekkin: ugh what happened, anyways?

KirkIsAwesome: there was a reenactment of the Romulan war

1701Trekkin: wha- how is that even-

KirkIsAwesome: using food

1701Trekkin:Lol who started that?

KirkIsAwesome: the Romulans

KirkIsAwesome: ...I mean Security

KirkIsAwesome: when i said reenactment, i meant it. Security was the Romulans, Science and Command were the Vulcans and United Earth respectively

KirkIsAwesome: then for some reason Medical decided to be Klingons

1701Trekkin: HISTORY 101 GUYS

Hypo_Man: dammit we're doctors not historians!

* * *

A/N: I figure I should tell you who's who, just to clear stuff up :)

ThatSeemsLogical is Spock, KirkIsAwesome is Kirk, Hypo_Man is Bones, ImmortalRed is Scotty, RussiaFTW is Chekov, FencingMaster5 is Sulu (cause of that episode where he was shirtless, not cause of the 2009 movie XD

Also: I have more chapters prepped! I'm holding them ransom for reviews! :)


	3. The Chair- Part 2

A/N: So I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I'm planning on having multiple story lines going. Some will be crazier than others, and some will just be oneshots. And there will be references to other fandoms, and innuendo, especially with Messageboard.

* * *

It had been a week since the Enterprise had tried to take the Chair. Neither she nor Kirk had forgotten.

The captain sat proudly in his rightful place, lording over the Bridge. Oh, how she wanted to wipe that smug look off his face. He was so used tobeing in charge. The Enterprise knew it was time to change that.

* * *

"This."

Kirk whipped around as a disembodied voice sounded by his ear. Seeing nothing, he warily remained seated.

"Means."

The whisper sounded again, just above his head. Kirk looked up slowly, terrified. A ceiling grate loomed above his head. "...Uh oh."

"WAAAAAR!" The Enterprise dropped from the grate, the metal cover swinging wildly. She grinned a grin of doom, hanging upside-down. Kirk screamed like a little girl as the starship pelted him with furry lumps. Everyone on the Bridge was stunned for a moment, until the Enterprise disappeared up through the grate as quickly as she had descended, pulling it closed behind her.

Kirk sat there, flustered. "I..." He shook his head, unable to form appropriate words.

Instead, he picked up one of the furry lumps. It was... A tribble?!

"Spock! There are tribbles on the ship?" Kirk tossed it to the Vulcan.

Spock examined the ball of fur. "In a sense, Captain. These tribbles have been taxidermied."

Kirk shuddered. Who would do such a thing?

The turbolift doors slid open and the Enterprise stuck her head in. "I didn't kill them, if that's what you're thinking," she said. "I raided crewman Yacobson's quarters." She paused. "You may want to recommend him for a psych eval."

She left.

Kirk stared at the dead tribbles. "This... means... war."

* * *

A/N: Oh hey! I know it's short, but please review it anyways! :) Feel free to complain about the length.


	4. Messageboard- Part 2

Woo! Another chapter! Thanks to **BloodLily16** and **Minecraft Guardiansaiyan** for reviewing! They're the only ones so far! Let's fix that! :)

Warning: innuendo, creepy!stalker!Enterprise, and, I meant to add, OOC-ness all around! But it's a crackfic, so... yeah.

* * *

**ImmortalRed**: Hey Enteprise

**1701Trekkin**: what

**1701Trekkin**: wait

**1701Trekkin**: NO

**1701Trekkin**: NOT AGAIN

**ImmortalRed**: yo captain's so fat, when he's aboard it takes an extra warp core just to break orbit

**KirkIsAwesome**: HEY

**KirkIsAwesome**: I could have you scrubbing out jeffries tubes for a month

**KirkIsAwesome**: ... As it is...

**KirkIsAwesome**: yo starship's so ugly she placed last in a Medusan beauty contest

(**ImmortalRed** has left the conversation)

**1701Trekkin**: Congratulations, Spock.

**ThatSeemsLogical**: On which event are congratulations in order?

**1701Trekkin**: Your impending promotion.

**KirkIsAwesome**: What? Oh shi-

**1701Trekkin**: 3

**1701Trekkin**: 2

**1701Trekkin**: 1

**KirkIsAwesome**: WHERE THE HELL DID HE GET A F***ING SWORD

**ThatSeemsLogical**: I shall tell the doctor to prepare Sickbay for multiple lacerations, possible organ failure and stab wounds.

* * *

**KirkIsAwesome**: Ow.

**Hypo_Man**: Quit moving then.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Normally I'd be filling out forms for 'assault of a superior officer'

**1701Trekkin**: But you knew that would happen.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Not the sword, no

**KirkIsAwesome**: but the whole 'violent reaction to an insult to the Enterprise'... Kinda, yeah.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Where's Scotty? I think there should be some mutual apologizing.

**1701Trekkin**: he's in a remote corner of Engineering...

**1701Trekkin**: O.o

**1701Trekkin**: Welp. I'd leave him alone for now.

**1701Trekkin**: *tries to unsee*

**1701Trekkin**: *... Maybe doesn't want to* :3

**KirkIsAwesome**: wat.

**1701Trekkin**: Well at least he's gotten over the insult to me. :I

**Hypo_Man**: Well there's some innuendo I didn't need.

(**Hypo_Man** has left the conversation.)

**1701Trekkin**: This is the part where I mentally hack the security cameras to be creepy, lock myself in my quarters, and destroy the tapes afterward

**KirkIsAwesome**: tmi

**1701Trekkin**: :D

**1701Trekkin**: or possibly take pictures ;3

**KirkIsAwesome**: MY EYES

**1701Trekkin**: Its amazing how fun and easy it is to horrify you

**KirkIsAwesome**: So you weren't serious?

**1701Trekkin**: No i was totally serious.

**KirkIsAwesome**: D: i did not need those images

**1701Trekkin**: Nope. Those are for my eyes/thoughts only. I appreciate them.

**KirkIsAwesome**: You... AUGH

(**ImmortalRed** has joined the conversation)

**KirkIsAwesome**: TOO MUCH RIGHT NOW K THX BAI

**ImmortalRed**: What...

**1701Trekkin**: ;)

**ImmortalRed**: Aah what did you-

**1701Trekkin**: Hacked the security cameras ^w^

**ImmortalRed**: O.O

**1701Trekkin**: *smug* Made me happy.

**ImmortalRed**: ...That's creepy, even for you. And I didn't even know there were security feeds in those old Jeffries tubes...

**1701Trekkin**: They're everywhere, just not monitored. And that's not creepy, considering what I did before I could even talk to you...

**ImmortalRed**: I'm... Not sure that's ok. At all.

**1701Trekkin**: We all learned too much today. Don't worry.

* * *

**RussiaFTW**: Fencing was invented in Russia.

**FencingMaster5**: No. Just no.

**RussiaFTW**: THATS WHAT YOU THINK AHAHAHAHAHHAHAAA

(**RussiaFTW** has left the conversation)

**FencingMaster5**: ...dafuq just happened

* * *

**ImmortalRed**: I've got some new people asking if there're any hazing rituals. What happens to the new Security recruits?

**Hypo_Man**: Death.

**ImmortalRed**: O.O

**KirkIsAwesome**: O.O

**Hypo_Man**: Sometimes just mutilation.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Uhh. I think Scotty meant in terms of the hazing rituals?

**Hypo_Man**: Yeah. The hazing is usually their first away mission.

* * *

**1701Trekkin**: Please... Stop.

**Hypo_Man**: Who's stopping what?

**1701Trekkin**: My Captain is drunk... He's caressing my bulkheads.

**KirkIsAwesome**: yeea, theyr nice

**Hypo_Man**: . You're drunk, Jim.

**KirkIsAwesome**: no... The nice lookin lady at th bar gave mi some blue stufffffff

**Hypo_Man**: Romulan Ale, no less. You don't kid around, do you?

**KirkIsAwsome:** naw, nevr have

**Hypo_Man**: That's very true.

**1701Trekkin**: Yes, okay, that's all very nice but he's opened a wall panel and is fondling my circuits! :(

(**ImmortalRed** has entered the conversation)

**ImmortalRed**: ...

**KirkIsAwesome:** sorry im drunk.

**Hypo_Man:** Now he admits it.

**1701Trekkin**: Please stop him Doctor...

**Hypo_Man**: Not until after getting pics for the Sickbay blackmail file.

**1701Trekkin**: Just hurry :(

**ImmortalRed:** Do I have to get my sword again?

**1701Trekkin**: He's drunk...

(**ImmortalRed** has left the conversation)

**KirkIsAwesome:** shit

**Hypo_Man**: Dammit Jim, the other sword wounds just healed!

**1701Trekkin**: Well, at least he stopped.

* * *

**ImmortalRed**: ...Fine, I'll stop using my claymore on unsuspecting crewmen.

**1701Trekkin**: I sense a loophole...

**ImmortalRed**: I'll stop using it to harm people.

**1701Trekkin**: There's still something...

**ImmortalRed**: I'm not giving up a way to terrify those who incur my wrath.

**1701Trekkin**: Fair enough.

* * *

**ImmortalRed**: ... Do I even want to know?

**1701Trekkin:** Probably not.

**RussiaFTW**: Nope.

**FencingMaster5**: Nuh-uh.

**KirkIsAwesome**: Decidedly not.

**ThatSeemsLogical**: Negative.

**Hypo_Man**: Nah.

**Siren35**: ...You REALLY don't want to know. Trust me. I didn't want to know either.

**1701Trekkin**: It's safer for us all.

**RussiaFTW**: A good idea to keep you away.

**FencingMaster5**: Would've been better to keep us all away.

**KirkIsAwesome**: No matter how accurate it is.

**ThatSeemsLogical**: There is no redeeming value to it that I can see.

**Hypo_Man**: It's pretty terrible, in a hilarious way.

**Siren35**: It's just a scarring thing.

**ImmortalRed**: ...How bad is it?

**1701Trekkin**: ...Christmas party bad?

**ImmortalRed**: Oh. OH. You're right, I don't want to know.

* * *

A/N: That last? Julia Ecklar's 'Christmastime in Sector 5'. If you have spotify or itunes, you can find it :I If you want to...

And I feel obliged to tell people about Rachel Maddow's Best New Thing In The World; The Ukrainian Stray Dog. I can't include the link due to technical difficulties but you can google it. I hope it's still up.

It's pretty hilarious.


	5. I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU!

A/N: Okay so this references a little bit of the Enterprise Incarnate (=original fic, Less Serious Adventures= this fic, in ANs or whatever, fyi) so if you haven't read that, just check out the first couple chapters so you're not hopelessly lost. Just for some backstory in terms of how the Enterprise is in relation to the actual ship.

* * *

"I'm not touching yooou!"

"Stop it."

"I'm not doing anything though."

"Stop it. Just stop."

"Stop what? Stop touching you? I'm not though!"

"Seriously, stop."

"But I'm not touching you!"

The Enterprise buried her face in her hands. "Of all the Captains in Starfleet," she moaned, her voice muffled, "I get stuck with the one who turns into a complete child when he's bored."

"Yeah but at least I'm not touching you."

The starship sighed. "Stop it."

"There's nothing for me to stop."

"I'm about to _slap_ that hand."

Kirk hastily removed his finger from near her still-covered face. "I wasn't touching you."

"GOD DAMN IT- Scotty how much longer?!" The Enterprise yelled, commanding the shuttle to open its subspace channel to her Bridge.

"Hold on, lass. I'm doin' the best I can." Scotty's voice was strangely muffled.

"Are you using your mouth as another limb again? Honestly, would it kill you to have an assistant?" The Enterprise smacked Kirk's finger away from her ear. "No wet willies," she said sharply, eyeing him sidelong.

Kirk pouted.

"I mean it."

"What're ye doin' in that shuttle, anyways? Must be awful boring."

The Enterprise gritted her teeth. "Considering murder."

There was a metallic clatter and several muted curses. "What?!"

"Maybe just the removal of a fing- _will you stay away from my face!_"

Scotty was silent.

"I swear he's ten!" the starship growled.

Scotty sighed. "Don' worry. I'll have the shuttlebay doors open in no time at all."

"Hurry. This is the 57th circle we've made around me. Yes, I've counted."

Kirk pulled a face next to her. She shoved his face away and contemplated wether the circumstances would warrant murder.

* * *

She'd gone along on an away mission to a slightly unstable and scientifically unique planet, and nothing had gone right. The proximity of her powerful engines had set off some ridiculously unlikely weather systems in the the atmosphere, rendered the transportes unsafe to use, and then Spock had been dumb enough to stand in the middle of a field, trying to get a communicator link to the ship-Enterprise, and gotten himself hit by horizontal lightning. Horizontal.

She'd managed to beam him back up, along with her Doctor and the one remaining redshirt- albeit one at a time- before the storm worsened and she'd decided that Galileo should deal with this mess instead. The shuttle had grumbled in his semi-conscious way, but accepted her autopiloting down to the planet's surface.

Now she and her Captain were stuck as the planet's magnetic field shifted unrealistically quickly, wreaking havoc on some of her mid-level important systems- Shuttlebay, for one.

The Enteprise gritted her teeth as she resisted the urge to smack her Captain. Over the two hours they'd been circling around, he'd gone from bored, to flirty, in a non-serious way, to a ten-year-old boy. She hunched her shoulders up, protecting her ears from invading saliva-coated fingers.

"Hurry, Scotty," she murmured.

Kirk grinned and poked her nose.

"_Stop touching me!_"

* * *

Two hours later, the resistance on shuttlebay was removed. Quickly, the Enterprise blared and alarm and threw the doors open (as soon as her Crew was safely back!), allowing the shuttle to enter.

"GET HIM AWAY," she growled as she scrambled from the shuttle, still with her starfleet pants but minus the skirt. Scotty peekind inside, and found Kirk grinnind as cheekily as he could with blue fabric across his mouth. His hamds and feet were bound with red and yellow, respectively. Scotty sighed.

"Sir. Was it really worth it?"

Kirk nodded vehemently.


	6. Messageboard- Part 3

A/N: I HAVE LIKE A HUNDRED CHAPTERS OF THIS WRITTEN. I JUST NEED TO BOLD ALL THE NAMES WHICH IS PRETTY DAMN IMPOSSIBLE ON AN IPAD BUT MY COMPUTER IS BROKEN SO YEAH. HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER. I MIGHT BOLD STUFF LATER BUT I'LL PROBABLY GIVE UP.

* * *

**ImmortalRed**: I'm thinking of growing a moustache.

**1701Trekkin**: What?! Why would you do such a horrible thing?

**ImmortalRed**: A moustache isn't a bad thing...

**Siren35**: On you it would be.

**1701Trekkin**: She's right. No moustache.

* * *

**1701Trekkin**: OMGWHATISTHIS

**ThatSeemsLogical**: To what are you referring?

**1701Trekkin**: THIS

**Hypo_Man**: you mean caps lock?

**1701Trekkin**: NO

**1701Trekkin**: ITHINKITSCAFFINE

**KirkIsAwesome**: OK GUYS. WHO GAVE THE STARSHIP COFFEE?!

**RussiaFTW**: She wanted to know what it tasted like... :(

**ImmortalRed**: We're stuck at warp 9. Great job, lad.

**FencingMaster5**: Pavel, ya dun goofed.

**RussiaFTW**: :(

**1701Trekkin**: HEYGUYSHEYHEYHIWASSUP

**KirkIsAwesome**: *facepalm*

**Hypo_Man**: Dammit Chekov

**RussiaFTW**: D:

(**Siren35** has joined the conversation)

**1701Trekkin**: GUESSWHATIFOUNDTHECOFFEE

**Siren35**: oh dear.

(**Siren35** has left the conversation)

**1701Trekkin**: NOOO

**ImmortalRed**: Can I shut down the warp engines?

**KirkIsAwesome**: You can probably try.

**Hypo_Man**: I should find that caffine purge...

**RussiaFTW**: PLEASE do...

(**Hypo_Man** has left the conversation)

* * *

**KirkIsAwesome**: Scotty, where are you?! You need to be in Engineering!

**Hypo_Man**: What's going on? Sickbay just shook like tere was an earthquake!

**RussiaFTW**: We're at warp 5.26, we're supposed to be at 4.

**KirkIsAwesome**: getting reports of the Warp Core running over normal temperature, I can't find Scotty or the Enterprise-

**KirkIsAwesome**: OH.

**KirkIsAwesome**: OH GOD.

**KirkIsAwesome**: OH GOD WHY.

**RussiaFTW**: goodbye, innocence. We shall meet again someday, in Russia.

**Hypo_Man**: Russia?

**RussiaFTW**: well, yes. It's basically heaven

**KirkIsAwesome**: ...

( **Siren35** has joined the conversation)

Siren35: What are you plotting?

Hypo_Man: nothing

KirkIsAwesome: actually, we're making plans to invent brain bleach.

Siren35: ...why do you need brain bleach?

(FencingMaster5 has joined the conversation)

KirkIsAwesome: BECAUSE STUFF HAPPENED

Hypo_Man: or we think it did.

FencingMaster5: Stuff happened? And... Brain bleach? What?

Siren35: stuff?

RussiaFTW: Things... Involving people

KirkIsAwesome: SHUT UP ENSIGN I DON'T WANNA RELIVE THAT EPIPHANY

Siren35: ...I still have exactly zero idea what you're talking about.

Hypo_Man: Things involving people we know. People currently not present.

Siren35: oh dear.

* * *

ImmortalRed: CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS FUCKING RIDICULOUS PICTURE OF CAPTAIN KIRK?

RussiaFTW: CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS FUCKING PICTURE OF CAPTAIN KIRK?

FencingMaster5: CAN WE TALK ABOUT FUCKING CAPTAIN KIRK?

KirkIsAwesome: CAN WE FUCK CAPTAIN KIRK?!

1701Trekkin: oh dear.

* * *

KirkIsAwesome: ... Is it safe yet?

Hypo_Man: I don't know. I fled.

ThatSeemsLogical: There is no danger in the Officer's Mess. I do not understand why you left.

Hypo_Man: You wouldn't.

KirkIsAwesome: Spock, go in for us.

ThatSeemsLogical: To what purpose?

Hypo_Man: ...

ThatSeemsLogical: I do not suppose you will give me an explanation. Very well.

Hypo_Man: ...Well?

ThatSeemsLogical: I require a specific question to provide you with relevant information.

Hypo_Man: damn greenblooded-

KirkIsAwesome: OKAY Bones calm down.

KirkIsAwesome: Is Scotty still in there, Spock?

ThatSeemsLogical: Affirmative.

Hypo_Man: Is the Enterprise with him?

ThatSeemsLogical: Affirmative.

KirkIsAwesome: Are they still kissing?

1701Trekkin: Yes. Go away.

* * *

KirkIsAwesome: So she can write messages telepathically now?

Hypo_Man: yup.

KirkIsAwesome: IS NOWHERE SAFE

1701Trekkin: :)

Hypo_Man: nope.

KirkIsAwesome: I'm going to die.

* * *

RussiaFTW: riders of Rohan! what news from the lower decks?

ImmortalRed: ...

FencingMaster5: okay no more LoTR.

RussiaFTW: :( whyyy

FencingMaster5: besides, you may not want to know the news from the lower decks ;)

ImmortalRed: D: Come on!

RussiaFTW: yech.

FencingMaster5: lol

ImmortalRed: :(

RussiaFTW: Scotty just doesn't want anyone else calling the Enterprise his precioussss

(ImmortalRed has left the conversation)

RussiaFTW: SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE


	7. The Chair- Part 3

The Enterprise certainly had the upper hand in the conflict. Kirk could never catch her unawares; wherever he went he felt hunted, watched. Golden eyes gazed out at him from dark corners, any way he turned...

His dark quartes greeted him after a particularly stressful day. Too tired to order the lights up, Kirk simply pulled his boots and command tunic off and slid beneath the covers of his bed... Into something squishy.

Trembling in the darkness, Kirk lifted the blanket slowly.

"Computer... Lights twenty percent," he said, fearful of what he'd see.

"No," came the disembodied reply.

"Computer?" Kirk looked up, eyes flickering around in the dark. "Lights twenty percent... Please?"

An interminable pause stretched silently.

"I will... consider your request," said the voice.

Kirk resisted the urge to wiggle his toes, staring into the blackness and whimpering occasionally.

It seemed like hours.

When the lights slowly rose, Kirk saw that whatever it was, it was _green_.

* * *

"I wonder what happened to that jell-o I tried to beam onto the Bridge," Kirk heard the Enterprise remark offhandedly.

"Ye tried to beam jell-o ontae the Bridge?" Scotty asked.

Scotty and the Enterprise were sitting behind Kirk's table in the mess hall. Kirk resisted the urge to turn around and shout at her. _Jell-o_, he thought. _Green jell-o_. He placed his head in his hands and convulsed slighty. McCoy, sitting across from him, raised an eyebrow in confusion. "You okay, Jim?" he asked.

"No, Bones. I'm not."

"Are you ill?" Spock asked.

"I was last night."

"Jim! Why didn't you come to Sickbay?" McCoy hissed.

"I... I couldn't. The computer wouldn't turn on the lights and... And it was in my bed!"

"What was in your bed?" Spock asked with a raised eyebrow.

Kirk turned around and fixed the Enterprise with a malicious glare.

"_Jell-o_."


	8. Messageboard- Kirk Had One Job

A/N: Welp. Here's another chapter. And since BOTH! my laptops are out of commision (the trusty Toshiba I've had for 5 years and the one I got after it decided to take an extended vacation) and I'm stuck on a very stupid ipad, I've given up bolding these names! You can keep track of who's who, you're all fairly intelligent.

All I can say in defense of this chapter is: it was hilarious when I wrote it.

* * *

KirkIsAwsome: Bones, how are the new guys doing?

Hypo_Man: They're bad

Hypo_Man: You were supposed to watch out for them on their training mission!

KirkIs Awesome: oops. :(

Hypo_Man: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Hypo_Man: ONE!

* * *

1701Trekkin: What the hell happened?

KikrIsAwesome: I messed up.

1701Trekkin: But isn't it simple to keep the Klingons out of Engineering?!

KirkIsAwesome: Not really no

1701Trekkin: we set up automatic phaser banks in the halls how hard could it be?!

KirkIsAwesome: My bravado got in the way :(

1701Trekkin: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

1701Trekkin: ONE! JOB!

* * *

FencingMaster5: Why isn't there a christams tree here? I sent up one from Botany an hour ago!

FencingMaster5: Who was in charge of moving it?

KirkIsAwesome: ...

KirkIsAwesome: ...me

FencingMaster5: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

FencingMaster5: ...Sir.

* * *

ThatSeemsLogical: Why is our present course circular?

KirkIsAwesome: My star charts are messed up.

ThatSeemsLogical: Am I correct in my assumption that you were focusing on that task and that task alone at the time?

KirkIsAwesome: yes

ThatSeemsLogical: Then I cannot comprehend how you could not complete your single task.

Hypo_Man: translation: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

* * *

ImmortalRed: Stop breaking the laws of physics!

KirkIsAwesome: I don't, though. I just order you to.

ImmortalRed: and I barely manage as it is! Do you know how much we spend on duct tape down here?

KirkIsAwesome: lol

ImmortalRed: Can we just go one week without time travel or having to rewrite textbooks across the Federation?

(one mission later)

KirkIsAwesome: ... Sorry, Scotty.

ImmortalRed: And there goes the second law of thermodynamics.

KirkIsAwesome: I know I promised :(

ImmortalRed: ...

ImmortalRed: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

ImmortalRed: ONE WEE JOB!

* * *

DominaeLinguaris: Captain. You really need to stop staring at Rand's ass.

KirkIsAwesome: why? :P

DominaeLinguaris: She's trying to bribe Dr. McCoy to paralyze you next time you do.

KirkIsAwesome: O.O

DominaeLinguaris: She'll be on the bridge in a minute, try to keep your eyes to yourself :)

KirkIsAwesome: ...

DominaeLinguaris: :/

KirkIsAwesome: oops

KirkIsAwesome: IIiiiiiiiiiii

DominaeLinguaris: What did I warn you of?

DominaeLinguaris: and on that note:

DominaeLinguaris: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

* * *

RussiaFTW: Did you keep a tribble?

KirkIsAwesome: ...no

RussiaFTW: You were in charge of getting rid of them all.

KirkIsAwesome: but they're just so darn cute

RussiaFTW: We're up to our asses in them on the Bridge

KirkIsAwesome: ...

RussiaFTW: YOU HAD ONE JOB!

* * *

A/N: And thanks to all who reviewed, for putting up with the crazy! You're welcome to leave more reviews, too!


	9. The Chair- Part 4

A/N: WHEE HAVE SOME SCOTTY/ENTERPRISE

PRANK WARS TEND TO HAVE UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES. JUST... HAVE THE DAMN CHAPTER.

* * *

The Enterprise was watching her back. She knew Kirk would want revenge for the jell-o prank.

Of course, she had the advantage- with her internal sensors, she could keep tabs on every crewman, including the Captain. Even when her human body was asleep, as a starship she could watch as Kirk tried, in vain, to surprise her.

So, naturally, it wasn't really Kirk who got revenge.

* * *

_It's a conspiracy_, she thought in horror as she stood stock-still. _They're all against me_.

Slowly, the starship looked down. She was trapped against a wall of her quarters, anchored to the wall by blue stuff. It had been goo, but it had dried before she could do anything.

_Luckily I'm a starship_, she thought smugly, bringing up her transporters...

_Crap_, she thought._ They've gotten smarter._

Her transporters had been taken offline manually. _Damn it_.

Of course, she wasn't completely helpless.

_Scotty_, she said, projecting her voice through a comm unit in Engineering, _I need some help._

In Engineering, Scotty walked over to the wall comm and answered.

"What with? Ye know Kirk's ordered me tae stay at my post."

_Yeah, but... I'm a bit tied up at the moment..._

The Enterprise raised an eyebrow as she distinctly heard something drop.

Two minutes later, the doors to her quarters opened and Scotty walked in, panting slightly.

"You got here fast," the Enterprise remarked. "I didn't know you had that kink."

Scotty gave her a _look_, then stepped closer to examine the blue stuff anchoring her to the wall.

"Wait, don't step into-" the rest of the Enterprise's warning was cut off by a loud BANG and a flash of blue.

"... The line of fire," she finished belatedly.

Scotty had been caught by another round of the trap, and he'd been catapulted against the Enterprise by the rapidly-drying blue substance.

"Hi there," the Enterprise said. "Just so you know, you've become a civilian casualty in a prank war between me and the Captain."

Scotty sighed and placed his head on the starship's shoulder. "I noticed," he said. "Now what?"

The Enterprise tilted her head as much as she could. "Well... We're stuck here. But I should call Kyle and have him reconnect my transporter."

Scotty nodded against the Enterprise, and tried to turn his head to see what had ambushed the both of them.

"It's a cannon of sorts," the Enterprise said. "You probably can't see it from here. It's... Very improvised-looking, but it's got a motion sensor. That's why we both got caught."

"And... How did ye end up with yer back tae the wall?"

"It got me on a sort of diagonal. I was facing the corner, and it got my side and spun me around, I think. It all happened very fast."

Scotty nodded again and tried to move his hand. It was stuck fast.

The Enterprise was silent for a minute. Then she smiled. "Kyle's on his way to fix my transporters," she said happily.

"Good," Scotty said.

The Enterprise leaned forward slightly and put her head on his shoulder. "They disconnected it pretty thoroughly, though. It may be a few minutes."

"Er... So, ah, then what?"

"Then I beam us out of this goop and go murder my captain," the starship said cheerfully.

"Why? I mean, ye're nae alone in this mess. I'm with ye... And, er, we're right up against each other..."

The Enterprise paused. "True. Very true. Maybe I'll just scar him for life," she said, tilting her head up and kissing Scotty's cheek.

* * *

Kirk walked smugly down the corridor towards the Enterprise's quarters. The alert on the goo-cannon had gone off, and he wanted to gloat before he let her out of the trap.

Pausing outside, Kirk took a minute to enjoy his moment of triumph, then he stepped inside as the doors opened.

He hadn't expected to catch two people. He also hadn't expected them to be kissing passionately while plastered to the wall. He'd also never wanted to see his Chief Engineer in that context. Kirk turned and walked out, smug look gone completely.

Spock was waiting. "Was your plan successful?" he asked.

"Too successful," Kirk said, walking past the Vulcan.

"You seem displeased."

"I just... Didn't really want to pin Scotty and the Enterprise together. Honestly I didn't."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Surely you entertained the possibility of trapping multiple people, perhaps not your target."

"I... I did," Kirk said. "But I didn't really want to consider what might happen."

"The substance I created did serve its purpose, correct?"

"Yeah, Spock. Your blue goo worked just fine."

The Vulcan nodded to himself in satisfaction.


	10. The Chair- Part 5

A/N: WOO ANOTHER CHAPTER PROBABLY TO BE FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY MORE MESSAGEBOARD

ALSO I GOT MY COMPUTER BACK SO LOOK FORWARD TO BOLDED USERNAMES MAYBE

* * *

Kirk figured he got another chance to retaliate. The Enterprise had quite turned his last prank around on him. Of course, she might not feel the same way, and might actually be out to get him.

Kirk was well aware of his disadvantage; she could track him everywhere he went, and use her transporters to keep him out of mischief. So he had to be _sneeeaky_.

His last prank would have worked very well, except... Kirk shuddered. At least he knew that setting something up would work. Now he just needed to do something while she was distracted.

Later that day, Kirk overheard Sulu complaining about a pest problem in Botany.

"They're everywhere," he told Chekov. "If we miss even two, then within a week there's fifty more tiny ones."

"But zhere are so many being kept as pets!" the young navigator exclaimed.

"Those are just some of the ones we've found," Sulu said grimly. "There are still enough that we're overrun. I hate to kill them, but they're eating everything!"

"Why not set up a smaller garden just for zhem?" Chekov asked.

"We have one. It's even more crowded than the main Botany greenhouses, because whenever we find one, we put it in there. I swear," Sulu said, leaning back, "We've almost started carrying jars around to collect them!"

Chekov grinned. "Zhat vould be more efficient zhan valking back to zhe special garden ewery time you find one."

"Yeah, but the jars would probably fill up just as fast!"

Kirk grinned. _Perfect_.

* * *

A few hours later, the Captain of the Enterprise was seen careening through the hallways with a large cardboard box, a slightly manic smile on his face.

Kirk had enlisted Bones to help him in his task. Despite his protests of "Damn it, I'm a doctor, not a malacologist! Or an electrician, for that matter!", McCoy was begrudgingly attaching small, brightly-colored lights to button batteries and placing them in a pile, next to Kirk's duct tape.

"How are you going to pull this off?" he asked for the hundredth time.

"I'm going to sneak into her quarters, when she's asleep, and I plan to have the ship's internal sensors disabled for a few minutes, and maaaybe hit her with a sedative-"

"And where are you going to get that?!"

"-Which is why I need your help!" Kirk finished with a smile.

"Jim, I swear, one day you'll be the death of me," McCoy grumbled. "But I'll see if I can give you- NOT get her with- a sedative that'll make her sleepy after a few hours, then knock her out for a couple hours."

Kirk positively beamed.

McCoy reached into the box of batteries, and his hand brushed against something slimy.

"Jim, they're escaping!"

* * *

Kirk spent nearly an entire day trying to figure out how to get the Enterprise the sedative. Finally he figured he would put it in her coffee (decaf only, after the Incident) and then keep tabs on her until she fell asleep.

It took a little bit of sneaking, (and possibly bribing Chekov to distract the entirety of the mess hall but nobody needs to know that was Kirk's doing) but the Enterprise's coffee ended up with a mild, delayed-action sedative in it. (The starship slept sporadically anyways. It wouldn't look suspicious.)

Now Kirk only had to call in to Sickbay for the blackmail files, and activate the inter-ship surveillance system he'd built around the Security department.

Reliable reports were coming in ten minutes later.

When Kirk walked into the Enteprirse's quarters, the starship was sprawled face-down on her bed. He noted with glee the blue residue on the wall, but quickly set down his cardboard box, opened it, and exited just as quickly as he'd come in.

* * *

The Enterprise woke somewhat groggy. In her room, the lights were off, but hundreds of tiny, multicolored lights danced across her vision. She laid there, staring at them, until the grogginess left. But the lights stayed.

_Whaaaa_... She thought, still tired. Something wet touched her hand. Quickly she brought the lights up to 10 percent. Crawling innocently across her hand was... A snail. A common Earth garden snail, with a small blue light taped to its back.

"Yech," the Enterprise said, picking the creature up by the shell and placing it on the wall... Next to the others. She looked up.

"Oh... Shit."

* * *

Scotty caught up with the starship later in the day. The Enterprise was sitting alone at a table in the mess hall, a sour look on her face.

"What happened?" Scotty asked, sitting down.

"An interesting development in the prank war," the starship said. "I was drugged and my internal sensors disabled, and when I woke up the walls of my quarters were crawling with snails."

Scotty blinked. "Snails?" he asked in disbelief.

"Snails. Large ones. With little... Lights on their shells."

"Are ye sure ye're nae still drugged?"

The Enterprise let out a snarling noise and pulled something from her pocket, plopping it on the table.

A snail with a red light on it poked its head out of its shell, and set off slowly for the lettuce of Scotty's sandwich.

"Ah." Scotty gave the small creature a piece of lettuce and watched as the Enterprise's face contorted.

"Please just get rid of it," the starship said exasperatedly.

"Ye don't like them?"

"_No I do not._ Get rid of it. And its four hundred and seventy-two friends."

"_Four hundred and_-"

* * *

Sulu was really regretting giving Kirk a box full of snails. They had reappeared in Botany, without the box, but with small lights on them. Nobody had seen them appear, and the rapidly-diminishing pile an ensign had stumbled upon was crawling away from the deposit point. Luckily, the little lights were still glowing strong when the Great Snail Hunt began. It was then a simple matter of turning out the lights.

Everyone helped catch the loose snails, and it soon became a contest- most snails, most complete rainbows in the lights, most creative use of snails on one's body, etc. (The last one had some interesting entries.)

Sulu sighed as the last basket of snails was placed in the snail-garden and the creatures came crawling out. He silently vowed to never give large amounts of snails to anyone as immature as the captain again.


End file.
